well well

apple, pony, dolphin, diva-viva-lim5 , angel.

sigh guys. SIGHHHHH. so i've been retained and now i don't know what to do. after three days of depression, i've finally moved on. well no. as in this is still a hugggeeee sadness and problem, but i'm not going to cry anymore. anyway i can't resist being happy and screaming hellooOoOoOOoo!!! really embarrassingly when i'm with you guys. you know I LOVE THIS CLASS SOOOOOO MUCH

you guys are sooo precious to me. and being in a school with a class and all has never been this perfect. scgs was amazing too when i think about memories here and there, but in a different way. (haha i sound like i'm talking about a boyfriend or sth. but you guys mean MORE than that to me.) i'd like do anything for this class! but they won't advance me. they are really strict la today i was talking to si ying's kenny, and his classmate who got 22 was speaking to lim chye tin right then cause he too desperately wanted to get promoted. we're allll desperate la. so i felt pretty bad when he finally came out and told kenny and his classmates that it was a flat no. i think the whole bunch of them (ray and kuo lun can't spell were there too) felt like crying. and his case considering cca and cts is better than mine! sheesh la actually i see already got agitated cause so many of us have to face this. there's so much love/camaraderie going around the school and people are willing to support each other, yet they continue to tear us apart. cause it's "for the best". shouldn't this be cherished and upholded? everyone who didn't come close to the promotional grade of 35 is getting retained. if i'm not wrong, all 50 odd 60 of us. stupid too of them, cause so far everyone i hear who's getting retained is probably going to leave the school. and you've got a whole bunch of rugby, soccer etc talents under this category.

i know it's my fault that i've gotten to this point. but it's still evilevilevil. everyone's different, and you have to understand the different reasons for which people struggle with their studies. and the school is not making good administered effort to address this retaining or no retaining. it's all PRESCRIPTIVE. just like my group SA006 mentioned in our OP.evilEVIL.

looking at our pw photo up there makes me smile, but then when i remember what i'm faced with it hurts a lot. urghhh. i'm most afraid of losing a2 and my art class and miss chan. these are what matter to me the most. hahaha no actually they are all that matter to me in sa.

i really am at a loss right now. there are battles going on in my head and my spirit is being ricocheted about my thorax and beyond. arghhhhhhhh. first is the horrible sinking killing feeling of nothing being the same anymore. i live everyday right now like a dying man(or woman). on one hand dreading and refusing to face the truth. and on the other trying to hold on to every moment left i truely have with you guys. and it technically ended today though i do have till the end of this year. then i have to try and decide what step to take next. accept my fate? take my As privately? runaway once again to another school? poly? acs international? UWC? go overseas? and clearly i'm not ready.

i don't really think logically. i'm impulsive i guess, letting my decisions rest mainly on what my heart desires for. it's frustrating it's like deciding whether to stay in choir or not once again (stupid stupid problem) but yeah much worse with muchhh more servere implications. (oh great! TATU is on itunes. how soon is now. fav angsty song!) i need input from as many people as possible to make my decision, but the more i hear, the more i'm torn apart in all directions.

staying in sa: i can't imagine this at all. too too too painful. i can't bear to think about you guys going for lecture, then eating in the caf. talking about random stuff but yet it's so important. and i can't be there. no more helloOoOoOo. even if i meet up with you guys or sth, hah i wouldn't know what's been going on in class or whatever. i might end up feeling awkward and unwanted. i can't imagine being amongst all those lost sheep j1s. trying to waaait for them to find their place. wait for the superficiality to pass. wait for them to settle in. wait for lessons to really start. what a horrid break in momentum. half a year of crap before things pick up pace again. and there you guys will go speeding on with your As. scary hahaha but for me it's i dunno hard to accept that we are doing different things. i can't be in it together with all of you. and after you leave and you are free, it'll be my turn and i don't know how long i can last. from a different point of view, one that would tell me it's okay to stay, it would be only a year before you guys leave jc. no time at all. realistically speaking (i hate to though) that's the end too that comes anyway. we wouldn't be able to be together anymore once we move on to uni. if i stay i'll get to complete my art too. TWO YEARS for COURSEWORK. that's got to help a lot. hahaha huge advantage if i can pull it off. i don't want to leave my art and miss chan's lessons in sa. lastly, very contradictory, if i do leave. really i'd hardly be able to see you guys anymore, despite whatever pain. if i stay at least you'll still be there, i can still join in when i can. just that i'll have to grit my teeth and not think about not actually being in a2 anymore. i will get more time to get my studies right. i just wonder if i can bear being left behind, having to accept change, and if i truely have the stamina to face another year of horrid jc academic and oh my gosh cca life. i don't think i was really made for jc. i just ended up here and this has become the only life i know.

taking my As privately: popular choice for guys. and this morning i seriously believed it was the way to go. i'll still be at the same level as you guys. i won't waste stupid time in j1 and lectures i don't even pay attention in. and i'll have freedom to take charge of my life. which i haven't done before but oh well gotta start now. i was thinking of getting a job to help fund tuition(minimally haha)which would be cool. but yeah this option went out the door most unfortunately. i really would have wanted this. cause i can't take art on my own.

another school: not a jc though. sth international. actually i didn't want this at all. i realise i'm no ang moh. i'm most comfortable with my kindred spirits. but yeah seriously it's really hard to find friends/a class like a2 anyway. this has been a real gift from God. beyond my wildest expectations. but like i said i'm not really jc material. in sec 4 when i was facing similar problems (haha) i actually wanted to go to an international school thinking i'd be happiest there(well that was before i found you guys and realised where i really am happy and belong right?) and maybe now that i know who i really am, rather than some raw impressionable teenager (haha mindy!) looking in all the wrong places, i'm ready to stand strong in a new environment. the curriculum and syllabus might be seriously better for me. it might hold my interest better and offer me more options. i can still do art though i have to be willing to step out of my comfort zone that is our art room and miss chan's support. yess no more cca commitments i'm unhappy with too. i can start afresh. and i'd better set it right this time. no poly. cause i don't want to narrow down my options. and i don't think i'd click with the people there. mark said he didn't (shufff!!!!!!! hahaha).

omggg SIGH. hmm how can i trust God in this situation. what can i do to include him in my decision? what is God's plan? people all tell me and i'd hate to admit it but yeah i do think this test is what God knows is best for me. i'm just wondering what i'm i supposed to learn out of this? and which path is the one that would fulfill that? i guess i do trust that whatever turns out will be for the best, but how do i get there? i think we can all see now with my withdrawal symptoms, that i'll have a hard time facing death of loved ones hahaha. okay getting random again! but yeah it's disturbing that we have to bear in mind heaven is the ultimate destination and that we must not attatch ourselves too much to anything here. yet cause we are made in the image in God, and God is a God of love, we tend to love to love as well, so naturally we end up loving things here! read the purpose driven life by rick warren(:

sorry i wrote so much. i always do huh? hahahaha. i don't know who's actually lasted so long, but if you have please tell me what you think. and haha whatever it is, i'm not leaving in spirit i'll always be here to disturb you guys. i'll spam the class blog, next year i might just run napfa with you guys while carrying ipod speakers hahahahaha, maybe still participate in valentine day's antics. i'll STUDY with you guys and as undisciplined as i am, i'll try my BEST to support you all while you face your As. A levels is a bitch man. please don't forget me and leave me out of class gatherings and outings to watch concerts and stuff! keep me informed okay!!! so i can make myself present.

by the way i was so depressed/love sick (with a2) yesterday i couldn't eat at all. so by this morning i think i lost weight! HAHAHAHA. cause shirn was like, your face looks sharper. hahahahaha weight loss HOOOOO!!! too bad i'm hungry again. booo.

TOO MUCH LOVE - rachel ginger dolphin.